Yesterday I was on the phone with my mother, and she mentioned that she'd scored a pair of pants at one of her local thrift stores. I was impressed, because it's basically impossible to find pants long enough at thrift stores. She said yes, they're 16 long, and she repeated "16 long" multiple times as she described the pants.
I didn't know what size she was. She's not very active, doesn't have a very healthy diet overall, and claims that her medical conditions prevent her from exercising much. While they do prevent her from some form of exercise, there's still plenty she can do. Anyway, all of that with the typical metabolism slowdown that comes when we get older, and she's gained some weight. She's never been obese at all, but at her lowest adult weight probably wore an 8 or a 10. I felt like she was really emphasizing to me that she was now in a 16. She's been trying to lose weight and I've heard all about it.
Next, she offered me a pair of pants that she'd gotten elsewhere but turned out to be "just massive, entirely too big and baggy." They're a size 20. I said that they'd be too big for me too, and she said, really? So I said replied, yes, I'm a size 16 now too. Clearly that didn't set well with her. Because I'm supposed to be always be The Fat One. She got really mad the last time I was at my parents' house and my dad pointed out that we were about the same size now. She's maybe half an inch taller than me, but I have wider shoulders and I'm more hourglass shaped, while she's more pear shaped. I have no doubt that she weighs less than me, but she carries more of it around her waist while I have more of a lower gut thing happening. I could tell that Dad's comment was upsetting to her.
At one point we wore the same size when I was younger, except I was in middle school at the time and she was an adult. That was embarrassing to me. But she didn't mind. Now there's the possibility that I might actually be in a smaller size than she is at some point, as an adult. Maybe that's too much to take. I'm not in competition with anyone but myself, but with my mother, so many things have to be All About Her.
I used to think maybe I was imagining this stuff, but after decades of it, the passive-aggressiveness is so obvious. And it's sad. And it reinforces why I can never, ever talk about the band or any other kind of weight loss related stuff with my mother on more than a superficial level.
mental exertion vs physical exertion
8 years ago
Posts
I wish your Mom weren't crazy, or that at least you could share and confide in her. But you know what the good news is? Not only are you not her, you have not inherited her crazy patterns. (Or, if you have, you hide them very well, or take on the subtle inocuous ones to just make you typical, heehee.) It's too bad that age doesn't always equal maturity, eh? =P
ReplyDeleteReading this entry makes me think of my Mom's Mom. This grandma (whom I only met when I was 4 years old on a trip to Florida, and even her dementia was already beginning) had some mental illness going on. I don't know if she was ever officially diagnosed, but I think it was pretty bad. MY Mom was in a body cast for 1.5 years during high school, and when she wasn't in a body cast, she was in various braces and things to try and correct her scoliosis. This was all over 2.5 years or so. Her family was poor, and since they didn't have a car for a large part of these visits, they had to take multiple buses to get to the hospital for dr. visits and to visit my Mom when she was there for months at a time. And yet, during all this time, it was my Mom's Mom who was all "woe is me, woe is me!" As if *she* was the one who was sick and put out. It seems she couldn't stand to have the attention focused anywhere else. Yeah, eff you, lady.
Anyway, my Mom had a lot of crap to deal with in life, but she turned into a wonderful woman! She didn't inherit the crap she saw in her own mother and she soooo easily could have. My Mom has never played the victim or done anything passive-aggressive.
Please note that I'm not trying to boast about my Perfect Mother (she's not), but what I'm trying to say is that I think you are a lot like her in that you are rising above what you were taught and are smart enough to know you can make yourself a better person. I think you are doing fabulously. =)
Wow, it sounds like your Mom has been through quite a lot. I really appreciate you sharing that with me.
ReplyDeleteIt would be great if age equaled maturity, but my mother is incredibly child-like in many ways. I'm sure I've inherited some weird traits from her, but I definitely intend for the crazy cycle to end with her. I'm hyper-aware of this stuff, so as you say, hopefully I can rise above it all and be different and better. :)