The Backstory.

The last time I was of "average" weight was the day I was born. I was a chubby child. By age 8, my grandmother, who took care of me a lot, had me on a diet with her. After a summer of Slimfast and Lean Cuisine, I lost about 15 pounds. But naturally I went back to eating normally and continued to gain weight as I grew. I kept waiting for the approval that never came -- "If only" I'd lost the weight, Grandma would've bought me a whole new wardrobe. She continued to say this throughout my teenage years. Grandma was a great cook and forced seconds or even thirds on everyone, and was very offended if you declined. But it was clear that she disapproved of me being fat. Definitely mixed messages.

My other grandmother gave me the "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight" speech. And my parents? They encouraged me to be more active and eat better, but they didn't lead by example. We ate high-fat, fried foods for dinner and we were not an active family. I did the Cabbage Soup Diet with my mother once. I'm sure we did other diets together too. My father had a talk with me about needing to lose weight, but I wasn't taken to a doctor or encouraged in any other way. It was definitely my problem and I was expected to solve it. I was an emotional and sensitive child, and I ate to comfort myself and get rid of stress and anxiety. Naturally, this created a vicious cycle.

Growing up fat is difficult. I was called "tub of lard" at school and picked last for everything in gym class. Nobody wanted to be my partner. I also wore ugly glasses, was taller than everyone else and was very studious and shy. I had to wear the Pretty Plus sizes at Sears. I was at my adult height of 5'10" by age 13, so clothes that fit my body often weren't long enough for my arms or legs. So I got made fun of for that, too. I wore the same size as my mother at age 14. She gained weight after being on medication. Eventually she went off it and lost the weight, mostly by not eating. I just kept on gaining. I don't remember much about elementary school even though it wasn't that long ago. I think I just blocked out some of the most painful parts.

In high school I was about 40 pounds overweight, but I was fairly active due to activities. I had a few friends and did somewhat better at "belonging" although I was never with the "cool kids." I got married and then I started to gain weight in earnest again. My husband grew up with even worse eating habits than I did and it was easier to eat what he ate and when he ate it. My activity level dropped and I could buy and cook whatever I wanted. If I reach 200 pounds, I'll do something about it, I thought. When that happened, I made the typical attempts. Atkins. Protein Power. Slimfast. Dexatrim. Jorge Cruise's Three Hour Diet. Weight Watchers. I did WW at least four times. I lost weight, but always gained it back, plus more. I lost 30 pounds a few years ago on WW and basked in all of the compliments, while feeling sad that compliments and approval from family was tied to my weight. I got sidetracked due to surgery and then never got back on the wagon. Today, I weigh 300 pounds.

I am lucky in that I do not have co-morbidities yet. I do have back and knee pain, shortness of breath, lethargy and irregular menstrual cycles. I can't ride amusement park rides or sit in some restaurant booths or armed chairs. I want to be a mother someday, but I do not want to get pregnant at 300 pounds.

I learned about laparoscopic gastric banding from ObesityHelp.com in 2005. I'd of course heard about the various gastric bypass procedures because of all of the celebrities who had it done. But it scared me. The risks, the malabsorption issues. Wasn't that "cheating"? Now I know that everybody to choose the right tool for us to lose weight and take control of our lives and that isn't cheating at all. But when I researched the lapband, I felt more comfortable with it for myself.

Naturally I first checked with my insurance company, only to discover that there was a WLS exclusion (I worked for a small company and they excluded it to save money). I did not have a primary care doctor at the time, did not have co-morbidities and decided that I could not attempt to fight for it.

I researched lapband surgeons in Mexico, because I discovered that the cost was much more attainable if I had to self-pay. I scheduled a date, then quit my job and started a new one. So I canceled that date and decided to give it more thought. I went on my husband's insurance, which also has a WLS exclusion due to his employer. I ultimately decided that I did not feel comfortable with surgery in Mexico, did more research and discovered a surgeon in the U.S. who charged only a little more than the one I'd been scheduled with in Mexico. So that sealed my decision.