Don't talk to me.

I feel like a circus freak sometimes at work. I feel like everyone is looking at me. They wouldn't look at me if I'd been this weight when I started working here, but now that I've lost weight, I feel like I am on display.

Earlier today a co-worker asked me when I was going shopping. I had no idea what she was talking about and she said, oh, shopping for your new wardrobe now that you have lost weight. She went on to say that she'd been struggling with her weight starting in college but nobody at work knew that. Well no, because she's stick-thin now. I muttered something about how I'd been struggling with my weight my entire life. Then she told me about some new thrift store nearby, after I said that I'd been buying clothes here and there but nothing too expensive since I am still losing. I am wearing a too-big long-sleeved t-shirt today. I need some more of those. I'm also wearing my size 18 jeans, which are getting loose. But I don't think I look too sloppy just yet.

Just now I was walking past another co-worker while carrying a stack of boxes and she said, "Your jeans are going to fall off." Okay, they're not. They're definitely a little loose, but that's just silly. It's not like they're incredibly too big. And it felt kind of like crossing the line somehow, sort of offensive. But I just replied with "That's what belts are for" and kept on walking.

I am gracious and I appreciate compliments, but sometimes I wish that nobody would say anything. Does that make any sense? I don't want to talk about it that much. It's personal. I'm not used to attention for how I look. It feels awkward and weird. I also end up feeling sad, because you get far fewer compliments about your looks when you're fat, that's for sure. Or if you do, they're the condescending "pretty face" ones. You know that type. It ends up making you feel like you were definitely less of a person. Ugh.